Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
