I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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