so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
