i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
