if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
my liver is dry heaving
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
