Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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