I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
