if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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