Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
