Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
