listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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