When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
