I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
