I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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