dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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