i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
