ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
