She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
