If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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