Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
