I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
