STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
