so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
