He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
