you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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