3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You are the jesus of drinking
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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