you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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