I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
