We're facebook friends in real life
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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