the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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