I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
tell me about the eggs
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
