census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
