genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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