I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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