Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
