I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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