Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
