I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Found your dick twin last night
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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