Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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