anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
