If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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