okay pat passed out under dana's car
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
