I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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