Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
