why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
