Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
