I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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