I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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