I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
