this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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