Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
