I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
