Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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