I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
