he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
People in love make me want to vomit
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
