no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
