So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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