We're facebook friends in real life
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
