All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
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I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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