I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
